A few weeks ago a reader e-mailed me and asked the following questions:
How completely to you ‘vett’ the other couple…he’s into anal/she’s not…he is bi-curious/she is not…he likes to mostly watch, etc.? Do you have a tickler list/questionnaire? And how soon into your initial meet to you get before the conversation transitions into preferred types of lube & condoms? After the waitress takes your order?
So just how do we determine if we might be compatible with another couple, aside from the obvious need for physical attraction?
We just got back from a less-then-memorable date and Veronica is going to take the lead this week. I’ll chime in occasionally….
Veronica: We have many ways of ‘vetting’ the couple. We usually start with their profile. If we are contacted by a couple we usually read their e-mail message and look at their photos and profile. Both of the lifestyle sites that we belong to have a profile page, where the couples list things like height, weight, age, and some sexual basics (Straight or Bi-, Soft or Full Swap) and they have places to list what you are and are not into.
The Bi- issue is a tricky one to figure out. On one of our websites you can be Straight, Passively Bi, Actively Bi, or Socially Bi. I am still learning the difference. For me, since I would have sex with a woman without the men around if the opportunity presented itself, I consider myself actively bi.
If we like what we see and read and they took the time to write an email that uses full sentences (as opposed to sending ‘nice profile’ as the entire email) we will send an email back and invite them to IM with us.
During the IM phase we will talk about fantasies and preferences and share some pictures. If this goes well we suggest a dinner/drinks date. At that point its time for me to chat on the phone with the female to make sure there really is a woman there and to exchange face pictures, if we have not already.
Hubman: Both websites have “private” photo sections, which you can grant someone access to on an individual basis. This is were Veronica and I, and most others, have our face pictures. But not everyone has face pictures on-line.
Our insistance that the women talk is because we will not agree to an in-person date until we have spoken or webcammed with the woman. Unfortunately, we have good reason for this rule.
During the date the dialog continues. It’s just like any other dinner with new friends where everyone is getting to know everyone, except that some of the conversation turns to sex. We usually try to ascertain how long the couple has been in the lifestyle and how they got into it. Usually we discuss kids, hobbies, the fates of whatever Boston sports team is in season and what we all do for a living. Hubman and I try to split up so that I am sitting with the husband and Hubman is sitting with the wife and we can better gauge interest level and chemistry. If all goes well and neither of us invoke the code phrase, we will exchange good night kisses. If the woman makes an effort to kiss me or responds well to a butt squeeze from me, that makes me comfortable with her interest in women.
If this date goes well, we set up a second date. Between the 1st and second date there will be some chatting and texting which is all part of getting to know you. If there is still any question about the woman’s interest in other women, I will usually ask her about her level of comfort.
The second date is almost always the sex date. We’ll have a non-sex activity like dinner out somewhere or a strip club visit, then usually invite the couple back to our place. (We are fortunate to be able to host, due to the ages of our kids and the layout of our house.)
We have yet to be with a couple that considered condoms anything less than non-negotiable. As far as types of condoms and lube, I personally feel that the man should use the condom he likes best as he is assured that they will fit comfortably. We always keep lube in our play area and I am not sure if any of our guests have used it.
Hubman: I can’t recall ever having a discussion about condom preferences with another couple. I know what I like and I come prepared.
As far as what I consider ‘advanced sex tricks’ i.e., anal, fisting, etc., that is something that we discuss if it comes up. For me, my ass belongs to Hubman and Hubman alone.
Hubman: To be honest, even if I knew a woman was into anal, I wouldn’t ask for it the first time we had sex. Same goes for cuming in her mouth or anywhere else besides her pussy. Not sure why, that’s just how I am…
One ‘vetting’ rule that we relaxed on our date last night was not seeing a face photo before the date. MISTAKE! I was in the ladies room when our couple came into the room and when Hubman saw them his thought was “Crap”. If we had seen a face pic we would not have agreed to the date as neither of us found the other attractive.
Hubman: It’s swinging, aka sport-fucking, so it’s okay to be shallow. The way I see it, we’re at least reasonably good looking, if we’re gonna fuck others, they better be the same!
We also found their personalities a little off-putting. He constantly interrupted and she complained of being hit on by women at a party saying, “Jeez do I look like some kind of lesbian or something?”
Hubman: Towards the end of the date, he asked me if I’m always this quiet. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying “I was sick and tired of you interrupting me, so I gave up trying”. Veronica saved me and said that she’s the chattier one.
So Hubman invoked the code word before our food got there. I was planning on invoking it earlier but since I had called the kibosh on two other dates I wanted him to do it.
On the plus side, I got to have a Thin Mint Blizzard at Dairy Queen, which until Hubman and I go off to bed, will be the highlight of my evening.
Hubman: To return to the readers question, vetting another couple starts with the profile and continues as we get to know them via IM, phone and in-person. About specifics, we’re not terribly particular. She doesn’t like cum on her at all? No problem. She is sensitive to latex and would prefer non-latex condoms? (which if she’s really that particular, she should bring along.) I’d be happy to use them instead.
And Veronica, as soon as I finish this post, I’m dragging your ass to bed and making you forget the crummy date we had 
(Veronica send this to me Sunday evening…)
