Swing Shift Volume 9- What About the Kids?

Way back when Veronica and I first solicited ideas for an advice column Topaz left a comment with the following question:

What are your thoughts on prepping children on sexual attitudes (both boys and girls), and what is the healthiest way to handle a situation if they ever were to find out anything?

Then not too long ago the wonderfully sexy Sadie wrote this post in which she wondered how she’ll deal with telling her daughter about her and her hubby’s open marriage someday, which got me thinking about Topaz’s question again.

Just as a reminder, Darling Boy just turned 9 and Princess Persistent is 3, so we haven’t gotten to the point where we have to worry about what DB is figuring out.

They know we go out a bit and often come home after they’re asleep.

Veronica: I have talked to DB about that as he had asked why we go out.  I explained to him that in order to have a healthy marriage that the parents have to go out on dates and have quality alone time together.   I explained that this is the same as when Hubman and I try to do special things with DB or PP individually (like the NY trip) so we can connect with them on an individual basis.  Thankfully, he understood that explanation.

We have made a few minor mistakes in the past [fucking others in the living room, letting the kids meet prospective playmates before we had a secure relationship with them] but fortunately we’ve been able to learn from them without them coming back to bite us in the ass.

But someday they’re going to figure out what we’re up to.  Unless we decide to stop before then, but for the sake of addressing this topic, let’s assume Veronica and I are just having way too much fun to stop…

How are we going to deal with that?

I don’t have a freakin’ clue.

Veronica:  I think that the later bedtime will inhibit our hosting before DB ‘figures things out’.  Right now he is asleep by 9pm most nights, which makes hosting easy.   Based on talking to other couples at parties, it seems that many couples either drop out or become party people once the children turn 11 or 12 and then get back into hosting when the kids leave for college.  Since there is a five and a half year age difference between the children, that means we have a long time before everyone is out of the house. So I think that in about two years we will either have to look for people that host, meet in hotels, go to parties, or seriously fall in love with the idea of sleep away camp and have a summer of fucking.   I also think that if we move again, we are looking for a place with a Mother-in-law apartment that we will officially use for ‘visiting grandparents’  and the place where mommy is ‘working on her novel’, but will really become the love lounge.

I do know this. I want my kids to grow up thinking that it is perfectly normal for adults to have an active and satisfying sex life. I want my kids to understand that sex is something between people who care about each other.  I want my kids to understand that it is acceptable to be attracted to a member of the same sex.

Veronica: Our kids and them having a healthy sense of sexuality comes 1st.  I also don’t want them tossing the fact that we swing in our faces when we talk to them about sex and morality.  In addition our kids have big mouths.  Even if we told them not to talk about it, I am sure that something innocent would come up in conversation.  And while those of you in the blogosphere are fine with what we do, we know that our families, co-workers, and the parents of their friends would not.  Heck, Hubman and I started a family blog to protect ourselves from any comments DB might make about us blogging.

And yes, I do not want my kids having casual sex as teenagers, even though that is exactly what Veronica and I do as adults.

Veronica:  And that is the difference.  We are adults.   We are mature enough to handle the emotional implications of what we do.  I think our discussions of sex will be the same as our discussions of drinking, that it is a privilege and not a right that you must be responsible enough to enjoy.  I don’t expect our children to make it to the altar as virgins.  Heck, my own mother who did wait until the wedding night that told me it was a TERRIBLE idea.  Personally I will be happy if they make it out of High School without having sex (mostly because if they are not living at home, I can pretend its not happening).  I really think that the best thing that Hubman and I can do is explain why they should treat their bodies respectfully and only share their sexuality with people who appreciate them, care about them deeply and treat them and their bodies with respect.

So I don’t know if this comes anywhere close to answering Topaz’s question.  But that’s how we see things now.  Ask us again in 2 years and our answer may be completely different.

To turn the tables, for our swinging or open relationship friends with teenage kids, did you tell your kids about your lifestyle choice, hide it from them, or deal with it if/when they figured something out?  I’m curious…

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As always, comments and questions are welcome.  Either comment here or e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com.  And if you wish to remain anonymous, just say so.