Definitions

I originally started this post about 2 weeks ago and it’s been sitting unfinished since then.  But then yesterdays TMI Tuesday question “Do you consider online cybering adultery?” and the varying responses I saw around the blogosphere inspired me to finish this post.

One comment in particular caught my attention.  The lovely Ms. Inconspicuous wrote:

Though this varies somewhat by culture, and, actually, “adultery” does not, by definition, always distinguish between unsanctioned and sanctioned sex.  You can still be an adulterer by definition even if your spouse gives you full, total, knowing consent to have sex with another.

But I’m not an adulterer!  Veronica and I are swingers, dammit!  That’s different!

So this brought me back to my original draft about the various terms that those of us who have sex with someone other than our spouse use to describe ourselves.

What do you think when you hear:

Swinger?

Open Marriage?

Hotwife?

Are they all the same thing?

Sadie seems to think so, based on her comment on my Adultery post, which is what originally got me thinking about this topic.  She commented that “Well, you say on one hand that you don’t have an open marriage, and that you and V play only “together”, yet, you’d hook up with Swingerwife or SoVix alone? That sounds pretty darn open, Hubman!”.

If you ask me what Veronica and I are, I would answer swingers.

Why? Because we have sex with others, but only participate in those adventures together.  Sometimes in the same room, on the same bed even, definitely in the same place and at the same time.

[The part about SW or SoVix is due to geography.  Neither of them live near us.  If I happen to travel for work and could see either of them, Veronica would be OK with my reconnecting with them.  But that's an exception to our rule, in large part because she knows and trusts them.]

Let’s check what the Urban Dictionary says [I’m a geek, I check reference sources…]

Swinger: A married person who enjoys swapping spouses with another married couple.

Sounds like us!

So why not an “open marriage”?

To me, an open marriage is one in which both halves of a couple are free to seek out other partners, on their own.  As swingers, we do the same, but together, so that definition  doesn’t seem right to me.

Back to the Urban Dictionary!

Open marriage: When a married couple decides to open their marriage, hence permitting the other partner to engage in sexual relations or emotional relations with additional partners, male or female. Usually the married couple is considered the “Primary Couple”.  Sometimes having an open marriage includes having group sex with other married couples.  Open marriages always try to base their relationship on complete honesty and mutual respect. Open marriages are hard work and both partners must feel comfortable with the situation for it to able to work. Both partners involved in the primary relationship must be very mature and able to control jealousy.

Wow, that is pretty damn accurate!  I really like the parts about honesty, mutual respect, controlling jealousy and the hard work that such an arrangement requires.  Maybe I was wrong and we do have an open marriage.

And what about Hotwife?

I think of a couple where one half is free to go fuck others and the spouse does not seek other partners; rather he or she is aroused by the idea of their partner out and having sex with someone else.

Hotwife: A married woman who has the feedom in her marriage to pursue sexual relationships with men other than her husband. Her husband has full knowledge of her activities and consents to them.

That’s kind of vague to me and doesn’t seem much different than the others.  Though it could apply to us, since I’m cool with Veronica seeing Sarah without me.  Of course I prefer to be there…

But you know what?  I don’t care what you label me with, if anything.

I’m Hubman, my wife is Veronica, and we’re swingers.

————————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Urban Dictionary is similar to Wikipedia in that anyone can add or edit entries.  Which can result in some interesting entries, such as this alternative definition for ‘open marriage’:

A total oxymoron and falacy. An act of sexual immorality between a married couple. When a married couple, due to their sexual deviancy, agrees to have multiple sex partners, i.e. a married couple agrees to cheat on each other. This is totally stupid and oxymoronic because the word marriage suggests monogamy. Thats why a couple gets married. If they do not want to practice monogamy and commitment, then why get married? I don’t feel as though ANY marriage can surivive as an open marriage.

To this contributor I paraphrase Adrian Cronauer: “Sir, you are in more dire need of a blowjob then any man in history!”