The inspiration for this week’s topic comes courtesy of a comment from April:
My ex-husband and I dabbled in the lifestyle. Well, we attempted to anyway. At first we tried just having another woman for both of us, and that was amazing! Then we moved up to couples. Well *one* couple is as far as we got. He couldn’t deal with seeing me with another man. His poor wife tried and tried and tried to keep his dick hard and it just stayed flaccid. Prior to that he’d never had that problem. He told me afterward that he thought he could handle it, but he was wrong. So, after that the only couple experience we had involved me playing with her while the guys watched, then we played with our respective partners. I was a little disappointed, as I wanted to experience this more, but I loved him and respected his uncomfortableness.
Wait, that paragraph was confusing. The wife of the other couple couldn’t get my husband’s dick hard. And she was fucking hot, too! Ok, that’s enough thinking about her……
Unfortunately, this is a topic that I have some personal experience with so I’m, ehem, well qualified.
First of all, April, I think it’s great that you and the other woman respected your ex’s uncomfortableness with the situation. I couldn’t think of a worse situation than having performance issues and my partner not being understanding.
Forgive me for possibly over-generalizing, but I think that as men, when faced with a naked, hot and willing woman, we’d like to think that “Mr. Happy” is like old-faithful, always ready to go. I know for me, that’s usually the case. And then Veronica and I went to our first swingers party. Since my old hangout is no more, I suppose I should briefly revisit what happened that night.
We had been there for a while and decided to get brave and play together in a public setting. 3 other couples were on the bed and I sat on a chair in the corner, then Veronica got between my legs and started to suck my cock. Nothing. 5, 10 minutes later, still nothing and I’m beyond frustrated, moving to embarrassed. And I don’t mean slightly engorged but not enough to fuck yet, I’m talking downright flaccid. Keep in mind, Veronica used to joke about how fast I could get hard, so this was very unusual for me. We stopped, found a room that was empty, closed the door, and things were good. Another couple came into the room and shared the bed [but we didn't play with them, they were just nearby] and while I momentarily lost my erection during that time, Veronica knew a few buttons to push and I gave her a satisfying mouthful while the other couple watched.
And lest you think this was a one time occurrence, it wasn’t until several months [and encounters] later that I came when another man was in the room. And it wasn’t until another month after that when I could cum with that other man’s wife. I may have overcome my issues sooner, indeed thought I was going to one particular night, but I stopped fucking her because her husband was having performance issues of his own and I felt it would be rude of me to keep fucking his wife when he couldn’t get it up for Veronica. I suppose an armchair psychologist could have a field day with my issues when another man is present, but no issues in a FMF 3some situation.
April mentioned her ex having trouble seeing her with another man. I think that might have been part of it for me. As much as my conscious self is saying “this is freakin’ awesome!”, there was a subconscious part of me that was saying “Holy shit, what’s going on here? There’s another nekkid man in the room and he’s fucking my wife!”
I wish I could pinpoint what has changed over the last several months. What I do know is that I focus more on the woman and make an effort to block out the scene around me. But not completely, if that makes sense. I’m certainly aware of the fun Veronica is having, but it’s more on the peripheray of my consciousness.
Ladies, if you’re ever with a man in a situation that might be new or unusual for him and there are performance issues, please, don’t think that it’s you. I’ve had issues with women I thought were smokin’ hot. Remember my friend SwingerWife? The first time she and I fucked, it was in a different room than Veronica and SwingerHusband were in and while I got off to a slow start, all was good in the end. But when the four of us got together on one bed, performance issues appeared. So ladies, again, don’t think it’s you.
Men, don’t be ashamed if you find yourself in this situation. It happens sometimes, for a variety of reasons. And if you’re thinking about getting into the lifestyle, don’t think that my situation is the norm. We’ve been with a couple that was newer than us and he was fine. Some men [like me] have acknowledged that semi-public sex in a swingers party type of situation isn’t their thing. Many of us have a limit to what we find comfortable and that doesn’t inhibit us. Don’t try to fight it.
For another take on this, check out this post by Riff Dog. He has a very funny take on how over-thinking is probably the worst thing that can happen and when Mr. Brain starts to interfere with Mr. Penis, bad things can happen.
Veronica: Performance issues is one of the 8 million reasons I am glad I was born with the XX chromosome. If I am having nerve issues, no one can really tell. I know from first hand experience that it can be disheartening and a blow to the old self esteem when your partner has trouble maintaining an erection or having an orgasm, but it’s not you.
I had one partner (Max) who had problems getting erect with me. They also told us the next day that they couldn’t play anymore because the kids might have overheard something. However, whenever we log onto SLS, a look at their profile said “Last visit: Today” all the time, so we weren’t buying the whole “we can’t play anymore” line. It did hurt my feelings for a moment, but after watching Hubman go through similar issues, I knew enough to know that it was not me.
What does really get me is when my partner does not have an orgasm during our encounter. That usually makes me doubt my bedroom (or futon) skills. I actually had this happen with our new friend on Friday. When we were relaxing after sex and Hubman was upstairs dealing with the dog, Sally asked Paul if he had come. Paul looked sheepish and said that he didn’t. Sally then smacked Paul and told him “How many times do I tell you you have to have an orgasm for company!” Paul admitted that he holds back his orgasm because he doesn’t want the sex to end. I just let him know that if he comes we can always have sex more than once in an evening. Sally reassured me that he does that all the time, including with her so I did not feel that bad. However if he does not come the next time we are together, I might begin to worry.
My feeling is that male performance issues happen. I also think part of the issue with this in a lifestyle situation is that there is a learning curve for pleasure. What turns one partner on can be a turnoff for another partner. I would not be concerned about performance issues unless they happened all the time. Then I would speak to my partner about it.
On a female performance note, I find that condoms mess with my natural moistness and seem to dry me out. Can any of our sexy readers recommend a condom that doesn’t do that? Or doesn’t do it as much? I know that I would appreciate it and so would my friends.
One coping strategy in case a man is having issues is to switch back to your “regular” partners. Sometimes just a familiar touch, so to speak, is all it takes and then you could try swapping again. Just an idea…
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Comments? Thoughts? Disagree with anything I said? Don’t be shy, leave a comment! And I need some more questions. I have a few for probably another 2 weeks, but will be out of questions after that. If you want to ask something anonymously, e-mail me at hubman38 at gmail dot com and let me know that if I use your question, you prefer anonymity.
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Graphic courtesy of Tonya!
No miscellany intro this week, let’s get right to the questions. Click 
